June 8, 2013
Loss
I feel like I need to write this down. Because I have spent the past 2 days in between episodes of tears, coming to terms with my loss. Thursday morning I found out that I was pregnant. It was an ectopic pregnancy. And by the end of the day, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Now I feel sad. And empty. And confused.
Sunday was the beginning of a massively intense week. We had to deal with some private family matters that kept Nathan and I up most of Sunday evening. We were waiting on an important phone call from a job interview that Nathan had had the previous week. On Monday, I was supposed to have a Fab sale for my prints, ship out several wholesale orders, and prepare for a photo shoot of my home for a magazine. I was so excited! And was so busy. I was burning the candle at both ends. But, as I usually do, I just kept pushing forward.
All the while, my body was in pain. I was bleeding, but wrote it off as having an off cycle due to the amount of stress I had been under. During the past 3 weeks, Nathan and I had traveled to NYC, Oklahoma, and Kansas for various business & personal trips. Also, I was having intense pains in my right side. And as days passed, the pain grew so bad that I couldn’t even walk upright. But I ignored the pain. Because I have a hard time taking care of myself.
Thursday morning Nathan forced me to call my doctor. He was worried about how intense my pains were. And I promised him that after he left for work I would call. And once I finally got a hold of a nurse on the phone, they told me to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty much convinced by that point that I couldn’t be pregnant. But lo and behold, the test came back positive. I knew in my gut as soon as I saw the double lines that something was wrong. This didn’t feel anything like my 2 previous healthy pregnancies. I was in so much pain.
I immediately called my close friend to come get the kids. Anyone who knows me will attest that I really struggle with asking for help, so my friend Amber knew that it must be legit if I was calling her. She dropped my kids off at KDO, then drove me to the doctor’s office. Blood work was drawn. The terms “miscarriage” and “tubal pregnancy” were tossed around. And Amber took me to get some tea while we waited for blood work results. She comforted me. We talked about the possibility of my having a healthy baby in my arms 9 months from now. Would it be a boy? I cried. She comforted me. I was scared. She bought me cookies. Thank God for friends.
I feel silly now, but at that time I wasn’t going to tell Nathan what was going on. I didn’t want to stress him out. He had to work. He has been under a lot of pressure. He has been dealt a few disappointing hands as of late. Eventually he called me, though, and I told him that we were pregnant, but that something was wrong.
The next few hours were a blur. 2 ultrasounds. An overly sympathetic ultrasound technician. I could just feel that the day would end sadly. More blood work. More waiting. At this point I was by myself at the doctor. I almost called my friend Vanessa to sit with me. Fortunately, Nathan was able to get away from work and be with me.
A few minutes after Nathan arrived at the clinic, the on-call doctor came in and told us that I was probably 5 weeks along. I was completely shocked by how far along I was. I didn’t think that I had missed a cycle. However, our baby was growing inside of my fallopian tube. And that there was no way to save the pregnancy. I immediately burst into tears. Nathan held me. In between sobs, the doctor took my blood pressure and heart-beat. Then they told me that I was lucky. A few more days of ignoring the pain would have been life threatening, as my fallopian tube would have burst.
They treated me with 2 injections of Methotrexate, which, as they put it, would “dissolve my pregnancy”. We finally left the clinic at 7 PM. It was a terrible, long day. I know that I am fortunate. I know that I am lucky, because I will will be able to have more children in the future, although due to scar tissue, it may be more difficult to conceive. I am thankful that I live in a time where this was able to be detected and treated. 100 years ago, an ectopic pregnancy would have been a death sentence. I have several appointments over the next few weeks, to follow my hCG levels and make sure that they go down to zero. If this treatment doesn’t work, we will move onto a laparoscopic surgery to remove the tissue in my tube. Although I already feel as if the shots of Methotrexate are working. The pain has subsided greatly.
Yet I feel a deep, painful sense of loss. There was a baby growing inside of me. But it was in the wrong spot. And I had to end my pregnancy. And with every fiber of my being, I wanted that baby. I wanted to be excited about a positive pregnancy test. It all feels like a terrible fever dream. Like it didn’t really happen. How could I wake up one day, shocked to discover that I was pregnant, only to discover by the end of the day that it was over?
I’ve wept. I feel confused. I am grieving. My sister drove up on Friday and spent the day with me, otherwise I would have just Googled ectopic pregnancy all day and curled up in a ball on my bed. Angie kept me distracted. I am so thankful for her. Yet today, when it was just Nathan and I, I broke down. I’ve pretty much been sobbing off and on. I don’t know anyone else personally who has been through this.
I shut down my shop. I will reopen in a few days. I am going to do what I never do: take time to grieve. Take time for myself. I wasn’t sure if I would share this publicly, but so many people have written to me over the past few days asking what is going on. There is no shame in sharing. And hopefully it will help me heal. Not to just pretend that everything is fine. Because even though I know that I am lucky, and that I had no control over this situation, it still hurts. Tomorrow is my 7th Wedding Anniversary. The timing kinds sucks.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring about me and my family.
-Stacie
Big hugs!! Sob all you want.
Oh, Stacie. Losing a pregnancy is such a traumatic thing to go through. I pray for peace and rest for you during this time. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help.
Hi Stacey, I know how lame it may sound because so many people say it and don’t mean it but I will be praying for comfort and rest for you and your husband as you grieve for your family’s loss. I hope you take a good amount of time to heal and rejuvenate from this. I know I am just a reader without a blog or a facebook or a twitter but I care and I am sorry for everything you are going through at this time. Much love,
Angela
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. There are really no words but I hope time will heal all. I truly believe there is a plan for everything, even the hard events in our lives have purpose. Take care xoxox
oh, dear. i am feeling for you, stacie. while my pregnancy loss that i experienced was not an eptopic pregnancy, i can relate about the loss. in addition to the confusion and sadness, do consider the physical effects the hormones involved are playing. allowing the grief to take place is the nicest you can be to yourself.
it’s very very very sad, and i can’t imagine the shock of all that happening in one day. lots to take in!
it took me a long time before i would not sob over my miscarriage which happened at 11w pregnant, i was young and having a baby would have been very difficult. still, it was and is the saddest experience i have faced to date.
sending you lots of mama love.
be kind to yourself.
xo
Ah, sweet sweet Stacie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, take time to grieve, take time to take care of you. Most of all? Let those that love you take care of you right now. You really don’t have to be strong for everyone else all the time.
Much love to you and yours,
Sally
In tears at my desk praying for you to grieve and to hurt and to feel it. And through that I know you will heal and it will be the best healthiest way to go through this. One of my favorite quotes is “In difficult times, carry something beautiful in your heart.” Blaise Pascal. That is what gets me through loss and pain. I love you my sweet sweet sweet friend! kt
I am so thankful for you stacie, you are a woman of great strength and character . The Lord said “weeping may endure for the night but Joy comes in the morning” I believe that is referring to a season in our life. You are a joy to the Lord and you and me. ! Mom
The loss of a baby is intense. Sending love and prayers for your family Stacie. Hope you find moments of happiness while celebrating your Wedding Anniversary
So so so sorry Stacie. I so believe you are doing the right thing (not that my opinion matters) – shutting down for a few days, grieving – dealing. I know it is hard, but I believe it is the healthiest thing you could be doing. Grieving together.
I was teary reading your post. Praying God gives you comfort in your time of grieving.
Dear Stacie,
I know we don’t know each other but I follow your shop on FB and have one of your sweet bear pillows for our little girl we are waiting to adopt. I am thankful for your honesty though I know it was hard from my own personal experience of loss and grief that I am walking through. You are in my prayers.
-Audrey
Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the hard road you and Nathan have been traveling. You have been going thru a lot emotional stress and cant imagine how confusing like you said to find out you are pregnant and the loss in the same day. You and your family mean a lot to me. I will continue to pray for your healing physically and emotionally. Trusting the Lord for his perfect will being done in your future. Love you guys…
Hi Stacie,
Somewhat new follower here. I think you are very brave for sharing your story and I am very sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Sending positive vibes your way.
xoxo
Marlene
Take care of yourself…
Hug,
Anne
Hello Stacie,
I found your website through the artful blogging magazine and then came to your blog today. I’m so so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I don’t know if you are a woman of faith but I will be praying for you and your family and for a healthy body.
-Dija
Dear Stacie,
I have just arrived on your website today via one of the blogs I follow. I think your work is beautiful and i love the soft beauty your images depict.
I live in Ireland where there are currently some very heated debates regarding pregnancy and as a result the human stories involved can easily be lost in the storm.
A loss of a pregnancy is such a harrowing and personal experience and thank you so much for sharing your story as it is very brave and so important.
Kind regards,
Eilish
Hi Stacie
I’m sorry to hear about your loss and the rotten month with all that going on. Just to say, you are not alone. I have had 3 miscarriages, at 12 weeks, 7 weeks and 1 week (of knowing!). We have no children, and it has been awful every time. Support and healthcare over here (England) is rubbish, you are told ‘this happens to every third pregnancy, get over it’. It’s the British attitude of ‘keep calm and carry on’ that rules. There are not reasons for everything, but sometimes science helps with the emotional pain, ‘these things happen’. I’m that you will grow from this pain and find it work its way through your craft and creativity. Best of luck for your business and hope you will enjoy life in Oklahoma.
Oh, Stacie. I am so sorry. I know we don’t know each other, but I cried all the same. I can’t possibly know what you’re going through but I do know that you are brave because you wrote this post, I know you are talented because of your blog and shop, and I know you are resilient because of your business.
I hope you recover quickly and fully, physically and however much you can mentally and emotionally.
xoxo