September 8, 2012
Farmer’s Market and Rambling Thoughts
goofy picture of the girls from our morning trip to the Farmer’s Market
We try and take my kids to the farmer’s market on Saturdays. This morning felt crisp and lovely with the temperature in the 60’s and a bright blue sky above us. We all got cinnamon rolls, and I sipped an amazing cup of coffee. Nathan likes the quiet, so we wandered a bit from the town square and found an empty sitting area with plenty of room for Violet to run around while the rest of us enjoyed our breakfast.
It is easy to feel content when you are with your favorite people, enjoying the best weather and your kids are happy.
Recently my heart has been feeling a bit discontented. Like a big part of me knows that we have less than a year left in Springdale and so I have been emotionally trying to disconnect sooner rather than later. I was a late starter even trying to put any roots down in Northwest Arkansas, and was in complete denial that we really lived here for the first 2 years.
This is our 5th fall in Springdale. And our last if Nathan can find an Assistant Professorship once he graduates. I feel like I have this terrible habit of closing chapters in my life like I am shutting a book that I will never read again. Somehow when something ends, like when we left Springfield, MO, holding onto anything that reminds me of that time is painful and I guess it is just my instinct to “turn off caring”. Disconnect. Move on.
I don’t know really where I am going with this. For the longest time I felt like there was nothing in Arkansas for me. It has taken me years to find the bits of magic. Like the farmer’s market on a sunny Saturday Morning. Or the botanical gardens on a summer night. Or a favorite bakery that always hits the spot.
We’ve been discussing the future a lot. Nathan is beginning the terrifying process of applying for jobs. He has yet to defend his dissertation but the end is near. It seems nearly impossible to make any decisions with so much uncertainty is in the air. All I know is that my husband needs a job beginning next August. Sometimes I wish we could stay in Arkansas so as to not have to start all over again. It would make our extended families much more happy if we stayed in the MidWest.
But my heart is stirring. Yearning for some change. A little bit of adventure. Even if all that happens is that we end up in Ohio or something. Even if it will be bittersweet. Soon the tough decisions will be made. We will put our home on the market, and cross every finger and toe hoping that it sells. We will be the people who were just “passing through” Arkansas on our journey.
5 years seems like such a small measure of time over the course of a lifetime.
Oh, I know this feeling. It’s so hard to enjoy where you are when you know there are so many changes coming, but you can’t visualize the changes because you have so many unknowns up in the air…I like what you said about finding the magical bits in the meantime. It’s also exciting to hear your heart is kind of ready for some adventure.
Sigh…thanks for sharing this part of where you are. I love these kinds of posts among blog friends. Happy weekend, lady!
Oh my gosh, seriously it is crazy how much I can relate to this!! Joel has a short list of schools he will apply to in the next month and then lots more will open up come October. I find it occupying my thoughts lately and don’t know how I’m going to remain patient through this process.. I just want to know and be able to start planning. But at the same time, I realize that i need to soak up the here and now while I still have it. Making the most of our last year here, in the area I grew up (with my parents 10 minutes away… Crazy). It is a weird time, that’s for sure. And I am totally with you on craving the adventure.. My heart is excited about it too, at least for the time being 🙂
As a ‘trailing spouse’ of an academic (physicist) I completely get this. I have found that it takes a year or so in a new place to start to love things and get over missing stuff left behind somewhere else. At the moment, we are waiting to hear the outcome of a grant application that could mean a further 3 years where we are or a quick! pack up and go ? situation! The excitement of the new is pretty addictive though!