April 19, 2012
A Long Post on 3 Year Olds and Friendship
“Violet, where did your headband go?” I asked my 3 year old when I picked her up from Kid’s Day Out. “Oh mommy, the older boy in the class said he didn’t like my hair, so I took it out”. Then Christopher and the other girl told me to stop talking so much. And the other girl told me she didn’t like me and didn’t want to be my friend.” Then we went and got a lollipop and instantly Violet was okay again.
But as Violet was talking to me about her day, my heart broke a little bit. She is this little person who now has to deal with the ins and outs of relationships. Making friends, keeping them. Dealing with criticism. Bullies. As a mom, I wanted to just to scoop her up, protect her, and show her that she is loved. But I cannot be with her every minute of every day.
As Violet was talking, I had these flashbacks to when I was a child. I was bullied. Quite a bit. I was tall, had buck teeth. Was called “Bugs Bunny” and was often called fat by the other kids in the class. I remember countless birthday parties that I wasn’t invited to. In the 5th grade, my “best friend” toilet papered my house (which my poor parents had to clean up) and then called me afterwards to let me know that this was her way of saying she didn’t want to be friends anymore. “Eiffel Tower”. “Golly Green Giant”. A few of the many names I was given during elementary school. I always have had trouble making and keeping friends. And have never been very good at moving on past the sudden shift in a relationship.
Sometimes, being a kid is tough. And for my Violet, who, like me, is as emotional as they come, all I can do is simply pray for her to grow to be a more strong and confident girl. To be able to brush off criticism and the meanness that simply exists in the world. My husband is so good at simply being himself and not letting other people’s opinions get to him. I really am hoping that Violet has that strength of character, and that I can figure out how to cultivate that trait in her.
And, I truly hope that she will be fortunate enough to make and keep good friends. The kind of lifelong friends who grow and change with you. My dad has these types of friends. I remember as a teenager, almost every weekend, my father was on the phone checking in with his 2 best friends from grade school. Seriously they talked almost every week. Dad, Alex, and CW. They were thick as thieves as children and had somehow mastered the fine art of maintaining friendship, even when several states, different jobs, and different paths in life had separated them.
I was always envious of my dad in that regard.
I’ve been in and out of a funk for months now. A very important and longterm friendship ended abruplty. It happened so quickly, with no closure, and all of the sudden I feel like I am in the 5th grade again. It wouldn’t be fair to say that this situation is the whole source of my “funk”. And the more I reflect on the whole situation, the more I can see some of the mistakes I made (hindsight is 20/20). However, I feel this enormous sense sense of loss. This person doesn’t want to be a part of my life anymore. They don’t want to know about my day, my kids, my struggles, my successes. and more importantly, they don’t want me to be a part of their life anymore. I guess I am still grieving the whole ordeal. And wishing that it could be fixed.
Seriously, the older I get, the more I realize that it doesn’t get any easier, the whole relationship/friendship part of life.
As for Violet, I find myself crippled with the fear of her having to face rejection. If I could I would pull a John Travolta in Bubble Boy and just keep her safe and contained from all of the pain in the world. But being a parent is about teaching your kids how to be, and letting them go out into the world, learn, and grow on their own. Comfort them when they are down, and celebrate with them when they succeed.
My prayer for my children this morning is that they will be surrounded by great, strong, forgiving, encouraging, loving, uplifting friends. And that they will be lifelong friends.
Sorry for the long post. Just something I have been thinking about for a while.
-Stacie
I love you.
It’s amazing the things that parenting pulls up for us parents to work through. Amazing and ya know, terrifying.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I 100% agree that it is really hard, even as adults, to make and keep friends. Then when the old friends seem to slip away you are left wondering what went wrong. Violet is darling and seems like she has the sweetest little personality, who wouldn’t want to be friends with her?!
i have the same hope for our future kids. i too have struggled with friendships my whole life. and have been treated poorly by them in the past. perhaps that’s what began the struggle.. i really don’t have close friends in my life that i am regularly in contact with and feel comfortable and feel comfortable leaning on at any time. when i start to dwell on it, it really makes me sad. i’m so thankful i have my mom and sister!! i will be praying for a solid friendship in your life!
We have and are going through the same thing. My Kaelyn is crushed when kids are mean to her. I find myself telling her that it doesn’t matter what other people think, just be yourself and if she thinks what she’s doing is pleasing God that’s all that matters. It is hard and we’re not even going to school everyday yet. I hope our kids can teach others how to be nicer! 🙂
Yes adults are funny too. My maid of honor, supposed to be best friend, roommate for 4 years has nothing to do with me. Won’t return messages or anything and I wasn’t even given a reason why. I guess if they can’t forgive and open up it is their loss. Anyway, know there are lots of people dealing with the same issues! Take care and I wish you and your daughter the best! ♥
My daughter is heading to pre-kindergarten in the fall and I worry about this so much with her. Right now she has such an innocent sweetness, her world is dancing and baking and the color pink. I don’t know how I’ll be able to take it if/when she turns cynical or gets bullied. Motherhood is hard. Take care. Hugs to you both.
Oh, my heart goes out to you…I think you did so well in writing about the whole experience Violet went through and how it made you think about what you lived through. This is where this blog serves you and we readers well! Like having a therapy session! I just wanted to say I loved how you summed it all up. Your wish and prayer for your little ones is the best life lesson… You are such a good mother!!!
Totally get where you’re coming from! My daughter is very quiet and a little shy. I worry so much that other kids will take advantage of the fact she is quiet and push her around. She is also very tall and has red hair. I was teased mercilessy all through high school for being tall and having curly hair, so the being different thing worries me too. In fact I actually got plastic surgery to have my ears pinned back 6 months after starting high school because of the teasing! I tell my daughter how great it is that everyone is different all the time and how lucky she is to have red hair, I just hope it helps…all we can do is be there for them I guess =)