February 22, 2012
Silence
(Lucy, 14 weeks)
I don’t get much quiet in my life anymore. 2 growing girls. 2 annoying dogs. Busy husband working away on his dissertation. Me filling orders. Church. Family. Sometimes I can squeeze in 4 hours of sleep and maybe an episode of Downton Abbey.
All good things. But then there really really is never silence.
(Lucy, 14 weeks)
I miss having quiet, alone time. I have been so busy that I can barely think. Thus, the radio silence on the blog for the past few weeks. I think I have said this before here on the blog, but there have been so many changes in the Bloomfield family over the past 4 months. So much shuffling. Shifting. Growing. And I’ve lost my personal voice in the process.
You know that feeling where when you look at Pinterest and see so many inspiring things that you begin to forget what your own personal taste is? That is me right now. I don’t feel confident in what it is that I want or need or even like.
Yes, I love working from home. Gingiber full-time. But strip away the work, and who am I? My identity is so deeply intertwined with the success and growth of my business. If I didn’t have it, well, I would be completely unrecognizable to myself.
(Violet, 3 years)
Nathan and I have been going at a pace to where one of us is staying up until about 2 AM every other night working. Then Lucy wakes up for a feeding. Then we sleep if we can get her back to bed. Then a few hours later I feel someone breathing over my head, and lo and behold Violet is staring at me, wanting breakfast and Blue’s Clues. And if I say no to the later, she cries. And Lucy cries. And I want to cry.
Work/life balance is non-existent right now. And that is my fault. And Nathan’s.
(Violet, 3 years)
You know what is the most ridiculous part of living a life like this? Not realizing that there is life all around me, and I am sometimes too busy to notice. Lucy is growing. She smiles. She desperately wants to roll over. She is cutting her 1st tooth. Violet is maturing. Her hair is longer. Face is thinning. She wants her nails painted. Wants to dress like me. Still is small enough that she wants me to hold her. Just be near her. She wants bedtime prayers. She prays every night to poop in the potty instead of her pants.
My precious daughters. My selfish, busy self.
Priorities. I need them. A routine. I crave it. Quiet time? I have to find some for my own personal sanity. Hulu? Time waster. Pinterest? Identity-sucker.
My family? The most precious gift that I have been given.
My heart has been heavy, feeling the ever growing distance between who I am and who I need to be. Wife. Mother. Friend. Business Owner. That is the goal today.
If you’ve ever talked with me in real life, then you know I don’t know how to end a conversation. So I will try to end this post by saying thanks for reading, and will ask if any of you ever feel like this? Just so I know that I am not crazy.
Stacie
Oh, yes. Been there. Finn is 5 months old now & I’m just starting to feel like things are getting better. Hang in there. Try your best not to be hard on yourself. Pat yourself on the back for even the smallest things that you accomplish. Everything will naturally fall into place & you’ll recognize moments or even whole days where you don’t feel completely stressed out. Trust me. It will come.
I’m desperately trying to enjoy the quiet in my business right now. Because I know how the busyness makes me feel, and I don’t like it. I find that it’s one thing to prioritize, but another to actually focus and follow through on what is important. You are not alone, friend. Hang in there.
I feel very good to read this and to know I am not the only one who feels that way. I have been thinking for the past months why I dont have a favorite type of music anymore, fashion style, etc Am I too boring to say all I do is take care of my 2 daughters and when I have a break my brain feels mushy and all I want to do is stay still in silence, precious silence.
I always feel that as long as we want to be better (no matter what it is), the recognition of a problem is a healthy sign in itself. We cannot be all things at all times. But the fact (for example) that you are aware you aren’t treasuring your girls shows how precious they are to you. The fact that you realize Pinterest subtracts instead of inspires is healthy and brave. Realizing the lack of silence is in itself a positive – the first crucial step. I guess I’m saying is that not all is lost. In fact, it is beautiful and promising. When we let something die and never realize we let it go is when the real tragedy happens. You’re doing wonderful. Each day is a gift. It will only get lovelier.
Oh boy, I feel exactly like you do right now! I have only one daughter who is almost 10 months old so I have no idea how you manage TWO kids! I’m an illustrator and their have been a big lack of ability to sit down, get inspired and draw like I used to. No time to be on the computer. No time for organizing my tools and my studio. No time for shopping and visiting places. No time for music. No time for sleep (STILL!!!!). It’s became very messy in the house that my mind can’t breathe. But I say to myself it is only for the first few years, not forever. Only until this little person grows up just a bit.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You are certainly NOT alone! I get so depressed sometimes to think that even with having a Master’s Degree in Art Education and experience as an art teacher my entire identity is now wrapped around being a stay at home mama. But someone once told me that every life has its seasons. This is just one of those seasons. And this too shall pass. So I focus on being the best I can be and enjoy my babies while I can. Hang in there, mama!
You are not alone at all! I know just how you feel and it’s something I’m trying to focus on – being present with my kids, trying not to constantly multitask, to really focus on them. It’s just so easy to be thinking about something else at all times – what should I be doing next? – and to stay up so late trying to do the things I want to do that I feel like a zombie the next day…I hope you find peace and some sort of balance (and sleep!) very soon. PS your girls are adorable.
awwwww! It’s just motherhood-we literally can’t do everything but we still try and then wonder why we are so exhausted! hahaha That’s the only crazy thing! I started blogging when the baby would take 2 long naps and wasn’t so mobile-now he’s running through the house with his brother, tearin’ it up! I feel guilty spending too much time on the computer “working” and often wonder how I other people do it! I have to remind myself how fast they grow up and I don’t want to miss it soooo…somethings got to give. I choose guilt-free unplugging anytime!
Totally NOT crazy! The transition from 1 to 2 kids is hard! You forget how hard it was the first time and this time round there is another little one to cater for, the ‘you sleep when they sleep’ goes out the window! Plus you’re running your business too! I think you’re doing amazing!!
Motherhood is so hard. I’m at that stage where my kids are starting to be in school more and more (moving from preschool to kindergarten, etc.), and I’m finding that now I’m starting to get alone time, and I absolutely don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t remember what I used to do, who I used to be! I guess it will get easier and easier to discover myself once again, as the kids get older and need me less. You’re in the absolute thick of it right now- it will only get easier!
My baby is 8 months old this week and JUST starting to sleep. I too have felt the gamut of emotions as a full time Mommy and full time graphic designer (who works outside of the home!) existing on 4 hours of sleep each night. I finally had to force myself to recognize my emotions for what they were– sleep deprived. Sure, some of what I feel is real and relevant, but each emotion, each tinge of stress and grief and sadness and frustration is multiplied ten fold by a total and complete lack of sleep. Try to give yourself a break. Being a momma is the hardest job in the world, even if you were well rested, well nourished, and had a live in maid.